As I stand on my podium ready to run to get a bow. I look over to Peeta and see him shake his head. As if to say don’t go for it. My heart was beating incredibly fast as it gets closer to the start of the hunger games. As the klaxon sounds I start to run then stop. As I watch Peeta run into the forest surrounding us. After a few seconds I start to run towards a backpack but I have no idea what's in the backpack. Just as I grab it I trip. To find out what happens look for the next part.
Natasha -
ReplyDeleteThis very exciting, and you set the scene very well. You chose to set it in the present tense, but slipped just once, when you wrote "My heart WAS beating...". It's really easy to do this, and actually rather difficult to continue writing in the present tense for a long passage, but worth persevering with.
Well done!
-MikeB (team 100wc).
Hello Natasha,
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the beginning of an exciting adventure. I like how you helped your readers feel the excitement by using description like "My heart was beating incredibly fast." and "Just as I grab it I trip." When you write next take a careful look at your sentences. You have periods where commas would work better like between "to get a bow" and "I look over to Peeta..." That would work best as one sentence instead of two. When you begin a sentence with "As" it needs a second part to tell what happens as you do something. In this case you might have left out the "As" in the sentence "As I watch Peeta run into the forest surrounding us."
Good job.
Barbara McFall (Team 100WC)
The Phoenix School, Salem, MA USA