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Thursday, 19 April 2012

Creepy House

Hi our names are Charli and Emmalee, and we are going to write the first chapter of our story. We would like you to help us with the rest of the story. After every chapter we let you, the reader, choose what happens next.





The Creepy House


One day three girls, called Ruby, Bobbie and Molly, went to the park and they saw a gleaming window in the distance, because there was a light twitching behind it. The window was in an old and crooked house.  Molly told them that they should check the house out, but the others didn’t want to. Molly convinced them by calling them chickens.  

They ended up creeping towards the house and knocking on the door. The house looked abandoned. They went in without anyone answering the door. The door slammed behind them. They heard a mysterious banging coming from upstairs.



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11 comments:

  1. Anonymous19 April 2012 at 15:46

    I really like your choice of vocabulary but starting your sentences with 'the' and 'they' can make it a bit boring and repetitive. Why don't you start with an adverb i.e. 'Nervously, Molly opened the door using the rusty handle. OR you could change the order of your sentence. i.e. instead of 'They went in without anyone answering the door.' you could have 'Without anyone answering the door, they went in.'

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  2. Anonymous19 April 2012 at 19:39

    Well done girls. can't wait to find out what happens next.

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  3. Anonymous20 April 2012 at 09:44

    I love creepy stories and I cannot wait to read on...hurry, please!!

    May I suggest you change your story opener. 'One day' is not accurate for a creepy story!

    PB

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  4. Anonymous20 April 2012 at 09:54

    I can't wait to find out what happens next as well. I agree with Mrs V-K, starting your sentences with different words than They and The would make it more interesting to read. Plus a little more description so I can get a better picture of the scene in my head. Maybe before they hear the sound you could have described what the inside of the house was like...?
    I hope they find a cat next.

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  5. Anonymous21 April 2012 at 09:14

    Good !! . Megan T

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  6. HSR22 April 2012 at 10:44

    I can't wait for you to paint a vivid picture of the house using awesome wow words! Paint a picture with your words so that I can see, hear, smell the creepy house!!

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  7. Mrs Clarke23 April 2012 at 10:20

    What a fantastic start to a story. I can't wait for the next chapter!

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  8. Anonymous23 April 2012 at 14:52

    good story charli cant wait for next chapter

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  9. Anonymous25 April 2012 at 10:35

    Hi,
    Great start to the story - make the rest come alive for me - I want to feel as though I am there, in the house - how could you do this?
    The Boss

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  10. Anonymous25 April 2012 at 10:36

    Hi
    Great start to the tale - make the rest come alive for me - I want feel as though I am really there - how can you do this - think about the vocabulary you use - paint a picture in your mind before you do the same for me!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous25 April 2012 at 14:59

    I think someone has being doing the banging

    I can't wait till the next chapter :D

    ReplyDelete

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